autism awareness day.
i hear that phrase and experience a mix of emotions. i wish i could feel relieved. part of me does: my mind's analytical bits think about the change this day represents, the fact that awareness is, in fact growing...that it's creating a little more breathing room for people lost on the periphery.
then the selfish part of my mind falls into resentment. pure, ugly resentment. i think a day like this could have made such a huge difference in my life, had it been around sooner. had it been around in time.
today: it's like a phantom pain. a sense of loss. which, again, is selfish. i don't know what to do about that.
usually what sparks the anger is that fact that, as a little one, my behaviors were so...i don't even know what. identifiable.
i would spend hours arranging my toys in a specific pattern...a pattern i could not articulate, relate to others...but that i knew had to be just right. hours anxiously shifting the toys, moving them back and forth, on guard against deviations from the pattern. then, finally, this space of enormous relief when everything just felt right...every toy was in it's place...and i could just watch, stare at it, live in that moment of internal silence. the anguish when i had to put the toys away, the enormous sense of loss. the pattern falling.
the preoccupations...the years-long marx brothers obsession; the so-many viewing of duck soup that the dialog carved ruts in my mind. the endless mimicry of this or that gesture from one of the films. all replaced in later years by the years-long playtime phase, the jaques tati film. itself replaced, later, by something else. then something else.
the mindblindness, the loneliness; depression, school anxiety. topics well-worn in previous posts.
a day for awareness just highlights the many days and years of no awareness at all. of time lost. it also brings to mind the day i recieved a diagnosis. at age 30, it felt like a real sucker punch. to this day, i'm still not sure why i reacted so poorly, but it's been a slow climb out of that anger.
so many positive changes happening, it's frustrating to see my mind turn selfishly inward. none of this is necessary.
still. i wish i could have those years back. i wish i could hold on to them, freeze them; set them in motion at a later time.