stray session

[regarding the following discussion: i'm in a much better place today, in terms of my thinking about relationships, their nature. these are just depression-based ideas that took quite awhile to move past. so...that has been made note of.]

October, 2007

Doctor: I have a new Asperger's client.

M: An adult?

Doctor: Teenager. They're into origami.

I start looking around.

Doctor: It's on the bookshelf.

There's a paper rose, layered densely with petals.

M: Is that from a single piece of paper?

Doctor: Yes. I watched him fold it. Took him five minutes.

M: Meh. I folded a paper airplane one time. Only took three...maybe four...hours.

Doctor: So, what's up?

M: Not much.

Doctor: Anything going on this week?

M: There is a New Co-worker.

Doctor: Oh my.

M: We went out for drinks the other day.

Doctor: What?!

M: You're not supposed to be that surprised.

Doctor: I'm not surprised. I'm shocked. This is...whuh...a little out of the blue.

M: It is.

Doctor: How did this come about?

M: She flirted. And it's weird because...well, I should say, I don't like her. I'm not attracted to her, but...she's attractive. I was a little conflicted about what to do.

Doctor: Back up. You said she flirted. M, you never see flirting. There's a long history there of people flirting, you not seeing it...people then making a move, you being caught off guard. Awkwardness soon follows. The mind blindness...that has been a recurring problem.

M: This was a different kind of flirting.

Doctor: Okay.

M: This was neon-sign flirting.

Doctor: I don't know. From what I can tell, you have missed some pretty big cues in the past.

M: That's true.

I haven't even told her about the professor that...well, long story.

Doctor: I'm just wanting to make the point...it sounds like you may be learning, seeing more than you used to.

M: I think that's true. I now have your voice running through my mind, sort of pointing things out.

Doctor: Excellent. What was the flirting?

M: She just showed me a tattoo. It was on her ankle But it was the way she went about it: leg on table; skirt pulled up; eye contact that even I could distinguish.

Doctor: Yah.

M: That's exactly what your voice said at the time. "Yah".

Doctor: So you asked her out?

M: Sort of. I cheated a little bit, because I did not want to directly ask her out. She's attractive, but her conversation is always...I mean, I know that I really don't like her. Anyway, she mentioned that she and a group of friends were going to lunch the next day and I said, "I'll actually be out at this one place...you guys should stop by".

Doctor: You invited her friends as well.

M: Yes. And part of me wanted her friends to show up so that everything would stay neutral. But another part of me wanted to be alone with her. And the next day, she was there...no friends, dressed nicely. We had drinks, talked.

Doctor: Help me define a few things. You said you don't like her but you want to be alone with her. You are sexually attracted.

M: Yes.

Doctor: But not truly interested.

M: No.

Doctor: Why not?

M: I guess it's a personality thing. I just don't feel...you know? Attracted. Her conversation is not my thing. She just talks about parties...more parties...and a lot of friend drama that takes place at the parties.

Doctor: What would be wrong with going out, talking, getting to know her better?

M: It's not a good idea because I already know that I do not like her. If I in any way thought, "I need to get to know her better", it would different. It would be okay if that were part of the motivation. But...er.

I pause, tug my hair.

M: That wouldn't be the motivation.

Doctor: So? Why not pursue a sexual relationship?

M: Are you suggesting I do that?

Doctor: Answer the question first. Why not pursue a sexual relationship?

M: I don't know. I am so...woo...I am sexually frustrated right now. Extremely sexually frustrated. And if I go out with her, everything I do- listening, talking- it would be for the purpose of having sex.

Doctor: So? What if she wants the same thing?

M: It doesn't matter. It wouldn't change the fact that, in anything I might say or do, there would be this complete dishonesty. No matter what her perspective is, I know that everything I'm doing is an act. That's hollow to me. I'm tired of feeling hollow. That's me going back into...you know?

Doctor: The marionette.

M: It would be worse, in a way. Because the marionette was about invisibility. Shutting myself off. This would be...the goal would be different. Doctor...I really get the feeling that you are wanting me to consider this.

Doctor: Definitely not. If you are not interested, then no. I'm comfortable asking that question because I already know how you'll respond. I know exactly what you'll say. You know?

M: No.

Doctor: The fact that you do not like her personality...I know that's a deal-breaker for you. I know you're not a superficial jerk.

M: Actually, I can think of her in a completely superficial way. That's why I am having to step back and not see her again.

Doctor: Right. One aspect of your reaction is based on impulse. However, you're putting your other reactions first. You're not wanting to be dishonest at someone elses expense.

M: I'm a little worried that I'm just looking for a way to perpetuate the isolation.

Doctor: Mmm...no. This doesn't sound like self-sabotage. To me, this is in keeping with your character. It's a part of this decency in you that...

M: Please. None of the happy statements.

Doctor: I have wanted you to see that.

M: Let's talk about paper airplanes.

Doctor: I don't like that you are self-loathing.

She waits. I find the back of my hand to be fascinating.

Doctor: What I have wanted you to understand is: the things you most hate about yourself...they are real strengths. You are unique...

M: Stop. How does my reality make any sense at all if what you are saying is true? I've never had a relationship, Doctor. Not one. So, I feel pathetic...and that fits the facts. I feel loathing for the way that I am...and the events of my life are compatible with that feeling. Everything makes sense that way. It would be bizarre to have had so many bad social experiences and yet, somehow, feel all warm and fuzzy about it. That wouldn't make a lot of sense to me.

Doctor: What I hear is that you are continuing to idolize normalcy. I hear you wanting so much to be like other people, beating yourself up about it, despite the fact that you have what you need to do well. The things that have gotten in the way of forming connections: we can work on those...the mind-blindness, the alexithymia. Completely manageable. Everything else you need is there.

M: You and I both know what forming connections gets down to. It's about attraction rituals. Not one thing you've told me about myself has anything to do with the reindeer games. I'm "unique"? Doctor, that is human repellent in the game. That is not helpful. Success is attractive.

Doctor: Vulnerability is attractive.

M: Confidence is attractive.

Doctor: Sure. But that can't be it. There has to be more.

M: No, there doesn't have to be more. That initial reaction is enough. That's how relationships form. People may be dissatisfied at some point, after the thing they were attracted to wears thin...but minus that initial reaction, there is no relationship. "Good qualities"...those can make a relationship last, but they never start things off. "Good qualities" and "attractive qualities" are separate things.

Doctor: I completely disagree.

M: Let me describe it this way, and you tell me if this is off base. If you ask a million people what they seek in a relationship partner, you are not going to get a million different answers. People will generally say the same sorts of things: someone funny, smart, caring, etc.

Doctor: Okay.

M: Those are "good qualities". People like them theoretically, but they're not attracted to them. People are attracted to personality traits that offset their own. If someone has a huge ego, they seek out people who attend to their statements. If someone has a submissive personality, they seek out the ego people who will put them in the attending role. Gender traits tie into the whole offsetting thing. Overtly masculine qualities (sports or any sort of competitive traits ), overtly feminine qualities (breasts and...well, breasts, that will usually suffice). And the point is: people do not end up in relationships with people they judge to have "good qualities", as defined by that list of really nice-sounding traits. They end up in relationships with people they are attracted to. And the relationship then becomes an effort to transform the other person into that list of "good qualities". In other words, those come after the fact. We try to slowly turn that person into what we wanted but lacked the critical thinking skills to find.

Doctor: That can happen. What you are saying can be true sometimes. But you are not letting yourself see the rest of it. You're missing big pieces of the puzzle, and all because you are locked in this mode of idolizing normalcy.

M: Actually, I think I'm being pretty down on normalcy.

Doctor: Not really. You're describing it in negative terms, but it's for the purpose of excluding yourself from it. You see others interacting and you end up hating yourself because of the social deficits. Then you develop these descriptions that draw a clear line between you and others. "Here's where I'm at. Here's where everyone else is." You're intellectualizing in an effort to manage the pain of isolation. And what I want is for you to start going in a different direction. I want you to value the way that you are...because these things, M...your intelligence, your personality...if you stop hiding them, you can connect to others. You have good qualities that most people lack.

M: Well, people have relationships that I lack. I would trade in anything about myself for a life with people.

Doctor: It's true that most people will have more relationships than M...but it's also true that many of these people will never have a connection. Ever. Those are different things. You can have something they can't.

Why won't she accept the premise that everything is horrible? Seems rational. Huh.

Doctor: The new co-worker likes you. I wonder why?

M: I'm curious about that.

Doctor: Does she know anything about you?

M: No. I've never said anything about myself. I'm not sure what she's reacting to.

Doctor: Clearly...obviously...there's something wrong with her.

M: Clearly.

Doctor: What's that Groucho Marx quote you like to use?

M: "I would never join a club that would have someone like me as a member."

Doctor: Hee. Every textbook description of self-fulfilling prophecy should include that quote. It's great. I know why she likes you.

M: Why?

Doctor: "I've never said anything about myself". People like walls like that. It's what I keep repeating: the things you do to push people away...those are often attractive qualities. Like being closed off...that can be perceived as a form of vulnerability, as protecting ones feelings. People go for that.

M: When we were out last week, she didn't ask me any questions. I don't know. She didn't seem curious.

Doctor: Did she flirt any that day?

M: I'm not sure. I looked for it. She showed up, so I thought it was likely that she would flirt, but nothing stood out. I honestly don't know.

Doctor: She probably did.

M: What I really need is a concealed earpiece so that you can constantly feed me information about what's going on. I'll set up little cameras everywhere, you can observe, tell me what I'm supposed to be doing.

Doctor: Actually...have I told you this? About the playroom in the new center?

M: No.

The children's center, where the doctor will be moving her office, is about to open.

Doctor: Observing, providing feedback...that's more of what I'll be focusing on now. They've built a playroom for me, one with a two-way mirror. Parents will play with their kids...

M: These are kids on the spectrum?

Doctor: Yes. Some Asperger's. Mostly autism. Parents will play with their kids and I'll observe from the other side of the mirror. I'll work with them on learning to recognize the specific cognitive, sensory issues that are going on...teach parents about what is making the child comfortable, uncomfortable, that sort of thing.

M: That is really cool. You're going to be enjoying that so much.

Doctor: You know, most people don't react that way. I tell friends or family about the issues I work with and they say, "Gosh, it must be so sad to see something like that all week." And I just feel...I don't know. It's exciting to me. I am...

She pauses. She's beaming, to the extent that she can't talk.

Doctor: I've beeing doing this two years this month. I love what I do.

M: Really? You seem miserable.

Doctor: Completely miserable.

M: Another day, another dollar.

Doctor: Meh. I forgot to ask. You said the co-worker didn't ask questions about you.

M: Right.

Doctor: Did you ask her questions?

M: Yes. Why?

Doctor: She will perceive that as interest.

M: But...I mean, she didn't ask me questions. I had to fill up the time somehow. I asked them as a way of furthering the conversation. I doubt she...

Doctor: She will perceive that as interest. Did you kiss? Touch? Anything like that?

M: Whoa. No, no.

Doctor: Okay. When do you see her next?

M: Tonight at work.

Doctor: She is probably expecting you to ask her out again. If you don't, she may ask you out.

M: Er. I have to not do that.

Doctor: I like that you invited her friends along the first time. A good neutrality-move. However...you were alone together...you talked...you asked her questions. If you don't go out again, she might feel a little annoyed with you.

M: Because I didn't sit there and say nothing, I'm expressing interest?

Doctor: From her perspective, possibly. I don't know.

M: If I just ask questions...grrr. Help me.

Doctor: Okay.

M: Am I being dishonest when I ask questions?

Doctor: You're not being dishonest. You're being confusing. You're sending mixed signals. If she is irritated with you after today, I think that would make sense. However, your invitation last week was, like you said, neutral...and there was no physical flirting. You haven't done anything wrong. I just wanted to make sure you were aware: she's expecting you to ask her out again. Okay?

M: Okay.

Doctor: Make sense?

M: Not even a little bit.

possibly bad film

I took the last post down to tinker with it...but I did want to keep up the link for this film trailer, since I had mentioned the film awhile back in this post. 'Adam'...romantic comedy about a guy with Asperger's. Seems like we need to avoid idealized, saccharine portraits, so I'm really not down with this. But, it's interesting to look at ways AS is showing up in the media.

As mentioned in the post from awhile back, the documentary 'Billy the Kid' is more the way to go. Putting the audience in the shoes of the character...yes. Creating sitcom-level plots around clueless man-children: no.

situating identity part 2

[post temporarily down for a bit of tinkering. expanding...clarifying...to ensue.]

situating identity

Is it important for people on the spectrum to learn the basic mechanics involved with social interactions? Eye-contact. The give-and-take of conversation. Body language. That sort of thing.

This ends up getting down to a personal decision...for adults on the spectrum, for parents raising kids on the spectrum.

If someone had the attitude, "I'm different. I like my differences. I'm not changing for anyone", this would be a perfectly legitimate response to the question. For that person, it then becomes a matter of 1. surrounding themselves with people who are willing to accept their differences and 2. ignoring everyone else.

I go a different route. I don't like my differences. Some of them create problems for me and that pisses me off. What I want: to be able to identify why my differences are creating these problems so that I can change them...develop better responses...grow as a person.

Underlying this struggle is the fact that I tend to feel very, very lonely around others. Mind-blindness absolutely kills me. I can't quite pick up on what others are really saying...what they mean...in conversation. In group interactions, I am generally shut out of the proceedings. I usually stay on the periphery, trying to play catch up, never getting there.

One time, I did decide that I would no longer make an effort to reach out to people, try to play their games. I thought, "I'll be myself now. Being around others is pointless."

That initiated a period of social isolation that lasted almost ten years. I lived my life...did not reach out or act different around anyone...did not break out any fake personas in an effort to "fit in". And my life went nowhere as a result.

I've tried both extremes. I went for the marionette during high school and college, using mimicry to seem like those around me, suppressing my thoughts, feelings. And I've turned all of that off. Made zero effort to reach out of people. No mimicry, no reaching out to others.

My conclusion: both options suck. I now hate both of them immensely. I don't even know how to respond to the idea of, "Hey, just be yourself." Which self? The one that has serious difficulties understanding social interactions? I hate that self. I have no desire to be that M. What about the independent self, the one who refuses to compromise? The one who did things his way...and basically lost a big chunk of his life? That self was an idiot.

No to both of them.

What I want to do is meet the world half way. I have absolutely no desire to walk around with the attitude, "Hey, I'm different. You people just need to adapt." I also don't want to do everything in my power to seem like others...hiding my reactions away, feeling utterly lost inside of myself.

I've made very few friends in my life....have struggled terribly with romantic connections. So, I don't want to be myself. I have a very strong desire to change. I want to learn the basic social cues that I lack...practice them...work on finding newer and better ways of connecting with people. Does this mean I am minimizing my differences, being untrue to myself? Absolutely. It's about fucking time.

On the other hand, I don't want to be something I'm not. I'm not aiming for some false ideal of normalcy. This isn't about "fitting in". This is about finding those places in myself that make connection difficult...and trying to work on them.

I'm absolutely sick of going into public places and meeting no one. So I very much want to improve my eye-contact...my body language...all of the non-verbal forms of communication. I'll never be terribly good at it. But if I can put together a handful of tools that help me navigate even just a little better, I think that will be a good thing.

And really, that's the way to think of it: tools. If someone on the spectrum is being taught basic body language skills, they need to know: you should do this because it's a tool, it gives you a few tricks for navigating a social interaction. They should not be given the impression that they absolutely must learn it. No. There's a danger of implying: you need to become more normal. These are skills...tools...nothing more.

It's a balance: find out which traits define you, are a genuine part of your identity. Protect those. Find out which traits give you grief, unhappiness. Take a shovel to those, dig them out. Find coping strategies for them. Understand that most people are hard to figure out. If you don't want to try, great. Problem solved. But if you are interested in connecting with them, go ahead and learn the tools...and express your own traits so that they can adapt, get to know you...make acceptance possible for them.

I'm rambling, so I'll try this metaphor.

Let's say you're going to Mexico for a week and you do not speak Spanish (you don't fit in). How should you deal with the language barrier? Three options.

1. Should you "be yourself"? Just speak English at all times, make other people try to understand what you're saying? Hey, it's who you are. Why should you change for anyone?

2. Should you try to master the entire language? Learn all aspects of grammar and pronunciation, so that you'll fit in at all times, never be viewed as a tourist?

3. Should you pick up a few Spanish-for-beginner books, learn just a handful of basic words and phrases...things that might help you navigate restaurants, stores, hotels, places like that? Not trying to learn the entire language, but just enough to make the trip a little easier.

Every interaction will be a challenge for the first guy. He's inflexible, others always have to adapt to him. In each place he visits, the language barrier will be a major problem. Second guy will be so busy trying to get his language just right- trying to fit in- that he'll never be able to relax and enjoy the vacation. The third guy will never completely fit in...but knowing some of the most basic words and phrases, he'll be able to navigate each situation. Because he didn't learn the entire language, people will still have to help him a bit, meet him half way. But with what he's learned, he can make an effort to meet them the other half.

For people on the spectrum, Normalcy is like a foreign country. A weird...very weird...foreign country. Which goes back to the first question: is it important for people on the spectrum to learn the basic mechanics involved with social interactions? Eye-contact. The give-and-take of conversation. Body language. That sort of thing.

My approach is not for everyone else...it's just for me...but I'm trying to be that third guy. I don't want to merely stay the way I am. I'm not down with that self-acceptance crap, I've got way too much growth to work through. I want to go out, meet people, interact...hit those rough patches...and learn from them. I'd like to be able to learn the needs of another person, so that I can figure out how to respond better the next time. I'd like to grow my understanding of others, chip away at the mind-blindness. I'd like to do the hardest thing of all: express my differences, put them out there and receive a positive response. Not the blank stare. The cruel word. The judgement. (Still...I like the idea of disclosure, but I'm really struggling with the reality of it.)

Mutual disclosure. Mutual vulnerability. Mutual growth. Mutual change. Mutual collapse. Mutual re-building. Mutual erosion.

Two little words: "Be yourself"...an amazingly difficult concept for the self-strange and otherly.

I'm curious about how others untangle this one.

stray session: June 2007

Doctor: Did you have an appointment with The Psychiatrist today?

M: No. Why?

Doctor: I heard you talking in the hallway. I couldn't tell who the other person was, though. I thought maybe it was her.

M: No. I don't see her anymore. I was talking to the receptionist. I guess I forgot to mention that I stopped seeing The Psychiatrist. I had my last appointment around two months ago. None of the meds were helping. There were a few minor side-effects that I didn't like. So, I just told her that I was no longer interested in the med thing.

Doctor: Right. You had told me prior to the visit that that was the plan.

M: I never really liked interacting with her.

Doctor: Clients have a mixed reaction to her. She's a very direct person. She's blunt.

M: She is, and that's good. I liked that. She just asked too many superfluous questions. I mean, there would be the med discussion, and that was never a problem. I would say, "Here's how I've been feeling on it," and she would make recommendations. But then she would ask for details that had nothing to do with the medication.

Doctor: Like what kind of stuff?

M: "What have you been up to?" "How are things?"

Doctor: Sounds like small-talk.

M: Right. They were normal questions, but our appointments were 15 minute med-checks. It made small-talk difficult. I hated having to condense everything down into this Cliff Notes version just to satisfy her curiosity.

Doctor: Well, she has a very specific focus. She is geared towards the diagnosis. She likes to continually sound it out, really nail it down, so that the med recommendations are compatible with it. Anyway. That's her emphasis.

M: I would just get irritated because she would ask questions that I couldn't possibly answer within a brief time span. Then...to make it worse...she would offer advice based upon my clearly inadequate responses. Lame advice. You can't formulate good advice based on two minutes of information. Earlier in the year she asked, "Are you still seeing the Former Co-worker?" and I said, "No. She stopped talking to me, but I don't know why." And her response was: "Hey, rejection is a part of life." And that was it. That was her brilliant conclusion. She's talking to a guy who can't integrate relevant social cues during personal interactions...and, you know, what's going to be helpful for someone like that? Should you offer constructive feedback that might be useful in the future? Or should you just tell him that "shit happens" and call it a day? I don't know. I'm not a mental health professional. It's probably a coin toss. Either way.

Doctor: Hee. Doesn't sound like your kind of thing.

M: I shouldn't be saying negative stuff about someone you know. I'm just venting.

Doctor: That's okay. I'm not offended. Say anything you like.

M: She's not bad.

Doctor: Tell me about your week.

M: It depends. Should I be pessimistic now...or later? Because I do have some non-negative stuff, if you'd prefer that.

Doctor: Oh no. Let's go with the pessimism. If you start early, I'll have plenty of time to counter it.

M: Okay. I've been leaving the house more in an effort to practice basic body-language. I'm going to coffee shops, pubs, at least once a week. I'm working on sitting in a more relaxed way, trying to keep my shoulders from tensing up, moving my eyes more naturally, that sort of thing.

Doctor: Are you interacting with people?

M: Not when I'm doing this. I continue to see my former roommate pretty regularly, but I can't really try new things around him. We have set, comfortable interactions. But when I go out alone, I practice a handful of basic things, then go home. I'm not mixing it up with any newlings. And it's been distressing because, in doing this, I see other people socializing and I realize that interactions are based 100 percent on mechanics. It has nothing to do with personal attributes. I mentioned a few weeks ago: I was at a pub and I heard that guy talking about his golf game for like an hour. He just sat there, had a few beers with his girlfriend, and he spent one full hour talking about his golf game. She never got a word in edge-wise, just nodded, made all of the right listening gestures, sounds. "Really?" "Wow, that's interesting."

Doctor: He sounded really superficial.

M: But that's just it: he's not superficial. He was utilizing a proven formula. He was using the Sports Enthusiast Marionette. Not because he was a moron, but because that sort of thing works. It's effective. Maybe he is or is not a good person, but when it comes to forming social connections, the important thing is that he plays the right reindeer games.

Doctor: But M, you're not like that. You don't want to mimic the bland small-talk of others.

M: I do not. In fact, I don't. Therefore I do not make social connections. It's all about reindeer games, Doctor. I don't play them, so...

Doctor: Because you're way too intelligent to do that sort of thing.

M: Intelligence has nothing to do with this. I don't do that sort of thing because I'm socially impaired. If I am around people, I am not going to exchange the proper signals. When I go out, I can hear people talking to one another and I'm beginning to hear the mechanics behind what they are saying. That's why I'm focusing on Golf Guy, because it's a perfect example. When he talks about golf...what do you think he's really saying? Because I promise you, he could care less about golf. It's irrelevant. You could seriously fit all sports into one description: in accordance with arbitrarily agreed-upon rules, a person and/or team moves a ball around for the purpose of scoring "points". There. That's sports. Nobody cares about that shit. Sports, ultimately, is a pretext through which people express information about themselves. Golf guy...to the girlfriend at his table...he was saying, "I compete. I go up against other humans in competition...and win." Guys who talk about professional teams are saying, "I compete vicariously". Sports allows for the presentation of overt masculine qualities as defined by our culture. It's a reindeer game. It works. And that's just one form of it. When I was in the philosophy department, I saw the exact same mindset, just in a different guise. People would sit around and discuss ideas and theories, but they were really just putting out the peacock feathers, displaying their knowledge. "Hey, I'm going to do a little philosophical name-dropping here in the hopes that I'll get laid this week". Reindeer games. So the point is, socializing has nothing to do with one's personal attributes and everything to do with playing the right games.

Doctor: These are such broad generalizations. Some of what you are saying happens, but it's not always the case.

M: It kind of is always the case. I mean, there are two possibilities. 1. I'm generalizing. Or 2. when it comes to the reindeer games, people behave in an extremely stereotyped manner. Because you're right, the description is very broad, but I don't think that's my fault. I think it fits the reality.

Doctor: You can't base what you're...

M: Doctor. You are asking me to get out more. I am. I'm getting out. Doing this will mean coming into contact with other humans. And it sucks, but I am going to see what's going on around me. I am going to see other people, how they interact. I am going to see all of the stuff that I can't do...all of the stuff that is so different from me. I leave the house and I just feel so bad about myself, so fucking pathetic, I can't even...I don't know. I don't know what to think, really.

Doctor: If you mimic boring people, nothing will change. You've tried the marionette, it only fueled the isolation. My goal is for you to become more genuine in your conversation. You're unique. You are interesting and I want that wall to come down so that others can see that.

M: I don't want to sound antagonistic, but I'm having trouble with some of what you're saying.

Doctor: I won't take it as antagonistic. What's bothering you?

M: I've heard you say that before, that you want me to be more "genuine" in my conversation.

Doctor: Right. You mask your personality behind these very anonymous sets of movements and statements. You've made a life out of suppressing all of your thoughts, reactions...hiding those away. I want you to work on being much more open.

M: No, you don't. For the past few weeks you've been telling me that my social mechanics are lacking; that I need to learn better eye-contact, better gestures, that sort of thing. Doctor...that is mimicry right there. You've been encouraging me to improve my mimicry. That's the opposite of being genuine.

Doctor: Umm...yes. You're right. The mechanics that I want you to work on, I do not define those as "genuine". They are just a way to send the signal that you are accessible, that people can talk to you. But, once you are talking, once you are in a conversation, I want you to express more of your personality. I don't want your conversation to be scripted or a variation of what the other person is saying. That's one of your bad habits.

M: Okay, so practicing eye-contact...we both agree that's not genuine. But you're also telling me that I shouldn't go into a sports monologue because...it's not genuine.

Doctor: I just can't imagine you doing that sort of thing. It's not the real M.

M: That's my point. Increasing my eye contact...that's not the real M either, yet you're fine with me trying that. What's the difference?

Doctor: Okay.

She thinks about it. Looks at the ceiling, nods her head, tossing some idea around.

Doctor: We've established a very specific set of goals in here. Our goal is not figuring out what works for other people. What you and I have been working towards is: a middle path. One that involves being more open as well as a bit of the marionette, talking yourself through certain types of body language. That's what we've talked about from the beginning. Part of the middle path will mean conveying your personal traits, being more genuine. And yes, part of that will involve tweaking the mechanics a little bit, doing things that help lay the ground work for communication, even though they are not natural for you. It just gets down to a compromise, mixing in a little of the marionette with a little openness.

I pull my hair and breathe in and mentally replay her statements.

M: I definitely hear what you're saying. I've had a little trouble understanding where you were coming from the last few weeks, but that makes sense. Thank you for explaining that, going into it.

Doctor: Let me tell you my sense of what's going on, and you can tell me if this is off base. What I hear you saying is that, when you leave the house, you see other people doing things that are not easy for you. People are out there naturally exchanging social cues and unspoken data and that's depressing to see. You're having to think, step-by-step, about how you move your eyes and your shoulders, and when everyone around you is doing this without a problem, you get frustrated.

M: Right. That's pretty much it. To be having to take these ridiculous little steps at the age of 31...and, like you're saying, seeing the people around me do it without a problem...I get embarrassed. I don't see how I could not feel that way.

Doctor: Completely understandable. My expectation is not that this will be easy or comfortable. The metaphor I'm thinking of...I read a case study about this...there was this man who was obese, around 400 pounds. And he started going to the gym every day...and what does he see at the gym? Fit people. Skinny, athletic types. So, not only does he hate being obese, but in order to get better, he has to surround himself with people that are everything he wants to be. You know? Seeing people who could run and run and it was effortless for them, that triggered depression. But...it's just an issue of time. If you can stay focused on your goals instead of what you're seeing around you, eventually you get to a better place.

M: Well, the obese guy...he at least can walk, right?

Doctor: Yes. What do you mean?

M: Walking- the thing he needs to do in order to reach his goal- he's capable of doing it. He might get frustrated or depressed...but: he can walk, whereas I have this mind-blindness impairment. Would you agree?

Doctor: Maybe. I'm still...

M: The point being: not only am I struggling to reach a goal...I'm even struggling to do the things that make reaching the goal possible. I can't just go out and naturally utilize body language and form social connections. To make the metaphor fit, the guy would have to be obese and physically disabled.

Doctor: Fair enough. There are some additional difficulties here. Let's say he has a bad knee or something.

M: Let's say he lost his legs in a horrific farming accident.

Doctor: No, no.

M: My new motto. "Socially, I'm a legless fat guy."

Doctor: Aww. Warm and inspiring.

[june 2007 is when i start trying to socialize for the first time in almost a decade. it's around this time that i start the whole "making friends" thing. it takes the whole year. it's exhausting.]

random session

[still no computer. that is one to two weeks away, perhaps. until then, i can put up stray sessions. ones that are typed up...but that i've not know where to put. a lot of these are free-floating, disconnected from any sort of theme or continuing discussion. so, being at work with limited internet time, i can just...bloop...post these, fill up the next week or so. wait out my techno-lapse.]

May 2007

M: I am tired of your official license not being here. You were supposed to get that months ago.

Doctor: I know! I called them this week, actually. It's supposed to be here soon. It will have to be framed, so it will be a little longer before I finally get it up.

M: The anticipation grows stronger. The time for revolt nears.

Doctor: I have to be honest, I am looking forward to having it. I'm sick of the provisional license.

It's this tiny, crappy looking thing. When they mailed it to her last year she was disappointed because it had been folded into an envelope, leaving a huge crease right down the middle.

Doctor: I have this secret fear that they're going to fold the official one.

M: Surely not. It's a huge achievement. If they fold it, we'll freak out. We'll storm their offices and demand a new one.

Doctor: Oh, I'd be making a phone call, not to worry. Notice anything different in the room?

I look around.

Doctor: The table next to you. I angled it differently.

M: I didn't even notice. I'm slipping.

Doctor: You are slipping. That's the least of the changes.

Finally I notice that the Doctor is sitting in a new chair. It used to be a bland, rigid little seat. Now she is sitting in a huge, puffy recliner.

M: Holy crap. How did I miss that?!

Doctor: I was wondering.

M: That looks extremely comfortable. You look way more relaxed now.

Doctor: I love it. I was scavenging for supplies the other day and found it down the hall, buried in an old office. I had to have it.

M: I remember that you found a nice hole-puncher the same way and then someone stole it. You had better protect the chair; maybe put an alarm on it.

Doctor: Actually, the hole-puncher thief is already making a move. I caught her in here earlier today napping in the chair.

M: She snuck into your office for a nap?

Doctor: Yes. I may have to go with your alarm suggestion.

M: Build an ejection seat into it. If she naps in here again, you can just press a little button and launch her into the parking lot.

Doctor: That would teach her.

M: If I ask who the hole-puncher thief is, will you tell me? It's my former psychiatrist, isn't it?

Doctor: No, no. It's another doctor. What have you brought?

I printed out the description of grandmother's funeral. I hand it to her.

M: Last week, it seemed to bother you that I wasn't going to discuss the funeral.

D: And that had been the day before?

M: Right. You asked if something was up. I said, "No. Quiet week". Eventually we talked about it, but I feel like I had been dishonest at first. Instead of just saying, "I'd rather not discuss it", I was evasive for most of the session, not completely honest about things. So, to make up for it, I wanted to write that week out, create a description for you. Sort of like when you get into trouble at school and the teacher says, "Write a 500 word essay on the topic of whatever".

Doctor: It didn't bother me. There's never any pressure to discuss something. I was just struck by the discrepancy between "It's a quiet week" and "I've been to a funeral". I know, for a variety of reasons, that must have been a hard week for you.

She flips through the pages.

Doctor: Your mother pressured you about your social life. She doesn't get you at all, does she?

M: Did you just read the whole thing?

Doctor: Bits and pieces.

M: I keep telling you, I want to learn that trick. No, mom really doesn't know me. She doesn't want to. Her only interest is that I jump through the correct social hoops. I was supposed to be married and popping out kids left and right by now. I guess it was depressing to me that she didn't even ask about my romantic life. It's like she's given up on that. Now she just wants to know if I even have friends.

Doctor: Does it bother you, her questions?

M: She has no interest in an honest answer, so not really. There's not much I can do about it. She's going to ask, I'm going to have no satisfying answers. Rinse, repeat.

Doctor: I wonder...do you think your parents question your sexuality?

M: Oh, I'm sure. I'm not married at 31. I rarely dated in high school or college. Or adulthood. I tried to put their minds at ease last year when I told them about the AS, but they didn't want to hear it. So fuck 'em. Let 'em worry.

Doctor: It's just...they sound very conservative, so I was thinking they might wonder about that.

M: In my family, if you're not married with 175 kids by the time you're 21...you're gay. End of story.

Doctor: Okay. Just curious. You were upset last week, emotional over everything that had been going on...and in general, these last few months have been brutal. I wanted to ask what you've thought about since last week.

M: I haven't been doing very well.

Doctor: It seems like your affect is improved, though. And your voice, you sound more upbeat. However, when you are like this after a week like last week, I worry that it's an act. I mean...I've seen the marionette. It's convincing.

M: I understand, but if it were an act I would tell you. Going through the motions has it's uses, but in here it wouldn't serve any purpose.

Doctor: So, what's the change?

M: I've done a better job of focusing on your words instead of mine. You used the word "utility" last week and that stuck in my head. I've gotten by a little better because of that word. Whether or not my thoughts are accurate, they completely lack any utility.

Doctor: What concerns me the most are the expressions of hopelessness.

M: Um...I guess that's how I feel. I can't find anything in myself that wants to keep living like this. I feel sort of...finished. Like it's over. I'm tired. On the other hand, you've told me before that I like to tear things down and that is true. It's the other thing I've been thinking about. When I get depressed, I start to make predictions...I go into this mode of absolutes: "things can't get better", "there is no point", and you have described how predictions like that are the way depression manifests itself. From what you've said in the past, I have been able to see the connection between negative feelings and the distorted predictions that follow.

Doctor: Are you coming up with alternative thoughts?

M: I'm trying to. You've never asked me to feel hopeful. When it comes to the future and what's possible for me, you have always stressed neutrality. And I know why you do that.

Doctor: Why?

M: Because you're smart. You know how I'll react to anything remotely happy sounding. So, with the future, I am supposed to be neutral, give myself more time. I'm not sure how long I can remain neutral, like I said, but I've been able to get through the week by taking your words and using them to diagram my various reactions from last week. And I can see where I was falling into bad habits.

Doctor: You become bitter sometimes, and I watch you very methodically tear down everything you've established.

M: Including these sessions. I end up focusing some of my negativity on you and these sessions precisely because I enjoy being here.

Doctor: I wasn't aware that you enjoyed this.

M: Really? These discussions are painful for me in a lot of ways...I mean, it's torture...but I very much enjoy talking with you. I always look forward to seeing you.

Doctor: Hmmm. Again, I'm worried that this is an act. It's such a change from the previous weeks. How do I know you're not telling me what I want to hear?

M: I have been very distant lately and that's why I'm bringing it up. I was afraid that my negativity was coming off as antagonism towards you. And like I said, I have been somewhat antagonistic towards you. Some of the things I've said lately; being argumentative, dismissive towards your ideas, that sort of thing. It's just misdirected frustration. You challenge me, think circles around me and keep me out of my ruts. It's nice...a constructive thing. Therefore, when I want to start tearing things down, these sessions are one thing I'll focus on.

Doctor: Because you like talking with me.

M: Let's not belabor the point, Doctor. And just...come on. Stop smiling like that.

Doctor: I'm just pleased! That is so nice to hear. It's been a tough few months for you. I really wasn't sure...you know, what you were making of all this. How you were reacting to being here.

M: I assumed it was obvious.

Doctor: No, M. It was not obvious.

M: Let's just...god.

I rub my eyes.

M: Now you know. That's cleared up. Let's move on.

She keeps smiling.

M: Ugh, Christ.

limbo

completed the move yesterday.

Turns out: I'm portable. Who knew?! It's very weird. It's like...all of my things are in a different place. A place I'm not familiar with. New patterns on the ceiling. New sounds when the fridge motor runs. New creaks, pipes and people. I've been roaming around the place, arms crossed, staring at the corners of the apartment. Corners...they're the ones you have to watch. Mysterious. Cryptic. Corners grow the acoustics, shape everything you hear. I stand in front of them, stare...wait it out.

I lie on the carpet, to feel it...try to get a sense of it's nature. Stare at the ceiling, pick out patterns in the dots. Mostly I see faces.

Neighbors walk by...I tense up. They pass in front of the blinds, continue on. I breathe out.

Aside from a bed and a bookshelf, I have no furniture...so that's kind of fun. Improvising enhances the experience. Four pillows and a comforter? Leaned against the corner? That's my new recliner. I can read there.

No microwave...so, lots of canned soup, sandwiches. Just me, standing at the counter, eating, listening to the corners of the room.

Leaving a familiar place. My heart hurts all week. Something is clutching it, tight. Nostalgia up against it's opposite, indifference. Moving requires just a bit of the latter. You have to forcibly nudge the past behind you. Otherwise you stay, never move, stop challenging yourself. You go into statue mode...cold, indifferent...but still feeling that clutch, the claws of it...the painful loss of The Familiar.

Now to begin pricing computers. That's the next step. Must...begin...blog interacting. Miss it terribly.

Until then: gotta give these doorknobs a thorough staring-down. Doorknobs...quiet, well-behaved, seemingly innocent. But I'm on to them. I know. They know I know. We'll see what happens.