Doctor, one week ago.
"I met her for the first time earlier today. She's sixteen. Had previously received a diagnosis of Asperger's, but was here for depressive symptoms. Her mother was with her. I talked to the mom for a bit about general history info. The daughter sat with her shoulders slumped...looked off to the side the entire time; flat affect. She was silent for awhile. It was about mid-way through the session that she began talking. Very articulate...her vocabulary was amazing. She described high school, her experiences with it. The various cliques, the social structure of it. Her theories on group behavior, personality mechanics. Why...from a 'purely anthropological standpoint'...she had no chance in life. 'My neurology is such that it's a lost cause.' And it was so striking. The words she chose, the analytical descriptions. I thought, 'I've heard this exact phrasing before.' She sounded just like you. Word for word."
She pauses, thinks.
"Analysis in place of emotions. Depression masking itself behind seemingly-detached statements. Asperger's...I've learned this from our discussion and seen it time and time again: Asperger's lends itself to certain types of defense mechanisms. 'I'm not depressed. It's just that factor x...combined with factor y...equals futility.' Particularly with teen clients, when their social context is beginning to overwhelm...I hear that pop up. With the kids, I'll hear the very structured thinking of AS. 'The world has to work this way...and that way. Always. Period.' But if depression works it's way into the picture over time, it just latches on to the structured thinking like a parasite, hides behind it."
She looks at the floor, shakes her head.
"The mom...when she heard the daughter talking...reacted with genuine shock. She had described her daughter as 'shy'. As far as she was concerned, the daughter just lacked confidence. And you could tell that she had never really had a discussion about it. She mentioned that her daughter 'never talked'...was 'too shy to join in with others'. The mom had signed her daughter up for school clubs...church groups...band, and so on. Never saw her interact with others, just assumed she was anxious, hesitant. At first, when I asked the daughter questions, the mom repeatedly talked over her. Tried to answer for her. 'I just think she has so much potential. If she'd just open up.' Diplomatically, I had the mom not respond for a bit. And when the daughter began to describe school, analyze it ...the mom was really stunned. Her jaw hit the floor. She said, 'Doctor...I've never heard her talk this way before.' She had no concept of her daughter's internal life. You know...she basically viewed her as a shy little girl. Consequently, she could not see the alienated young woman. When she said, 'I've never heard her talk this way before', I felt like I was introducing two strangers. 'Mom...I'd like you to meet someone...this is your daughter. This verbal, intelligent young woman.' Quite a bit more going on there than shyness. Time to update the construct."
nihil novi
- M
- random selections from a journal, running from 2005 to the present. including: a disposition gray, a syndrome vexatious, whatnots assorted, and pseudo-transcripts from therapy.
10 comments:
may i always, always see the true constructs of my children...
Wow. All week long I've been getting this message from various sources:
Listen. Just listen. I always assumed that because I didn't talk much, I must be a good listener. But I can always stand to be better at that. This story was a good reminder.
Sometimes being a parent or a partner you get so bogged down with your child/partner's standard responses - or lack thereof, that you find yourself covering for them and even answering for them.
It's wider than that though - sometimes you simply adjust your expectations lower. It reduces stress but it also creates the "remedial effect" where you limit your own child's progress by not offering them greater challenges.
I've done that at times to my family and I had that done by my own parents, teachers & partner.
It happens so quietly that sometimes you don't even realise that you're doing it - or that it's being done to you.
Parents, Teachers and Partners are urged to stop and think about what they are doing for a short while every so often (dare I say weekly). If you find yourself doing this, please take steps to correct the behaviour... it definitely has negative effects.
Wow.
Note to self: Shut up and listen.
Wow.
I catch myself "talking over" my child all the time. Sometimes kids will even, when trying to be inclusive with her, address me, as if I am an interpreter.
Thanks for this insightful post. I'll be thinking of it often.
more evidence supporting UNSCHOOLING for the fluffster until college.
speechless
thank you, m
just thank you
and the dr?
HEAVEN
you know, i keep thinking about this. it's the line, 'Time to update the construct' that's doing me in.
best reminder EVER.
constructs change. people change, develop, grow.
gotta keep checking in on our assumptions .. making sure they are still useful, accurate.
i'm so glad you shared this.
yeah.
"re-frame."
::hugs::
That is a very good reminder. Hannah may only be 3 (in July she would make sure I say), but I am already having to change my construct of her. Thanks for writing about your conversation with the doc.
Natalie
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